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Growing Up: how to be a good dom & dead birds
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"Many of us prefer to deny that power dynamics exist, outside of games played by greedy, dishonest manipulators. But, like gravity, just because you deny the existence of something doesn't mean it doesn't affect you." Right, so I am reading a veryyyyy interesting book about POWER. It's by a Taoist nun / dominatrix lady. & although the target audience is women (subtitle literally 'a woman's guide to power'), men I think you are going to find this interesting as well so do read on... Unbound: A Woman's Guide to Power by Kasia Urbaniak My name is Kasia Urbaniak, and I spent seventeen years studying to become a Taoist nun while working as one of the most successful dominatrices in the world. Okay actually on that men / women point... Before we get into it, I have to say something. The author's contention is that men and women are conditioned differently, therefore men know about hidden power mechanics and women don't (and women are getting to learn by reading this book) See here: There is a set of mechanics, invisible to most of us, but consistent in every conversation, whether high stakes or low. These mechanics determine who has control—who leads, who follows, what is under discussion, and where the conversation will go next. The conditioning that women receive from earliest childhood makes access to these mechanics infuriatingly, and sometimes dangerously, unpredictable. These mechanics are invisible to men, too... because men are trained and conditioned differently, they have easier automatic access to these levers, even if they don’t have the slightest idea how they work. (Most people don’t know how a carburetor works either.) I love the idea of the invisibility of these mechanics however I am uncomfortable painting such broad strokes as... all men are in on it and all women are not... universally. And even if this were true, clearly we have a lot of powerless men in society who have somehow missed the memo?? E.g. think of how many heinous crimes (mass shootings, for example) are committed by young men who have spent a long time feeling powerless... I guess my point is. There are powerless people in society, full stop. Probably true that women are, on average, at this point in time, less sophisticated at manipulating power dynamics to their advantage (??). Hmmm that's probably a whole discussion. Okay regardless, no harm in all of us learning more, so let's get into it: The denial of power dynamics Equality is a beautiful concept.
But the truth is that, in every moment of every interaction, every conversation, every collaboration, someone is leading and someone else is following. In a great conversation, two people switch back and forth, and the transition between leading and following happens so effortlessly and seamlessly that it's practically invisible, like a dance. This subtlety doesn't mean it's not happening, though — one of them is always directing, the other receiving.
This is the first way that women find themselves at a disadvantage as it pertains to power. Most women have been trained to be profoundly uncomfortable with hierarchy. Many of us prefer to deny that power dynamics exist, outside of games played by greedy, dishonest manipulators. But, like gravity, just because you deny the existence of something doesn't mean it doesn't affect you. Power dynamics are how humans and animals organise themselves, and women are participating whether they like it or not. Our denial simply means that we're participating at a disadvantage.
(again, would need more of an explanation re. women being trained to be profoundly uncomfortable with hierarchy?? But love the sentence that follows.) We are also animals: After [an] incredible training session in the desert, I flew back to New York City to work at the dungeon...
I picked up the dog-training book Mistress Josephine had bought to help with her new puppy.
The premise of the book (although I understand the trainer himself is now under some scrutiny for his treatment of both animals and women) is fairly simple: most people make the mistake of treating their dog like he's a human.
Your dog doesn't understand words; he registers what your body and tone communicate. So if you tell him to stop eating the couch in a soft, pleading voice, it reads as praise; he's listening to what your body and tone of voice are saying, not your words. And the message he gets is that he's the alpha, in charge of the pack. Which means you've put him in an impossible situation: how can he lead his pack, feeding them and keeping them safe, when food arrives unpredictably and in bowls, and enemies approach constantly, delivering FedEx packages and pad thai? ...
We think deferring to the dog is a kindness, but all it does is confuse him, setting him up for stress and failure which is how so many people end up with neurotic dogs.
But what happens to the vast majority of dogs when an experienced trainer walks into the room?
They relax.
It's not what the trainer does or says so much as the way he is. When the animal of his body tells their animal bodies, "I've got this; I'm in charge," they let go of their terrible vigilance.
Watch, and you'll see them submit, their bodies softening with relief.
... And so, that wet, freezing afternoon, the energetic work I'd been doing in the desert crashed into the energetic work I'd been doing at the dungeon. Josephine's dog-training manual turned out to be the spark required to illuminate a whole new way of seeing for me.
What if humans weren't just forgetting that their dogs were animals, but forgetting that other humans are, too? All living creatures communicate, although only humans have language. A huge amount of what we "say" happens nonverbally, and it goes way beyond body language. Energetics are how you know in an instant whether someone is an attacker or a healer, or the way someone's physical presence can soothe or disconcert you, even before they've said a word.
What does dom / sub actually mean? In this book, I will use the term "dominance" to describe the state when your attention is focused out and what you do from that place, and the term "submission" to describe the state of attention turned inward, and what you feel from that place.
Both terms are loaded, but let me reassure you up front: neither is what you think. My definition of dominance has nothing to do with the violent, toxic mimic of power we see every day; it's not screaming, or bullying, or "acting like a man," whatever that means. Neither is there anything obsequious or subservient about submission in this system.
In fact, all the negative connotations that come with our first associations with those words relate to when both are done badly — specifically, when someone is exhibiting dominant or submissive behavior (screaming orders, for instance, or asking for something in a cutesy little-girl voice) without properly attending to the direction of their attention.
Example - Delia's submissive request: a kind stranger & a dead bird Story time.. the same day I started reading this book I had a chance to put the 'submissive ask' into action... I had a mini staycation last week in Collingwood. The second day in my 1 bed flat I noticed a dead pigeon on my balcony. Ohhhh dear..... after quickly googling the spiritual meaning of a dead bird (lol) I began to stress about how to dispose of it. I went back and forth between I can't do it, who can I get to help me??? And no. Strong independent woman. I have to do this myself... I went out garbage bag in hand, determined to pick up that bird, thinking how proud I'd be of myself afterwards and how I could joke that it would be the hardest thing I'd done all year! "Even harder than a 10 day silent meditation retreat".. & honestly I couldn't do it. Then I remembered Kasia and her thoughts on independent women - doing everything yourself, and not knowing how to ask for help is like the most raw deal for women possible & screw that (paraphrasing). So I was like cool, it's not weak to ask for help & I'm not going to be a terrible mother one day because I can't deal with this dead bird... (mums have to deal with gross stuff all the time, ya know) I left the flat in search of someone who could help me. I spotted a man in the lift and jumped in after him. I then executed the submissive ask (although only realised in hindsight this is what I was doing). It's submissive because my energy was turned inward. I wasn't ordering him to help me (You, dead bird, get in my flat, pick it up. Now.), I was letting him into my internal world; how I felt about this dead bird and my failings to pick it up. "Excuse me, do you happen to have 2 minutes to spare... I really need help with something" "Uhhh sure" he says looking hesitant "A bird died on my balcony. I need help removing it... I really tried and I just can't." I say with my hand on my heart, looking defeated and apologetic (maybe I was actually being a bad sub??? I don't know lol. It was just what came out in a moment of desperation!!) *Random stranger does not look enthused in the slightest.* But agrees to help. Yay. 2 mins later, dead bird sorted. Phewwwww. Okay, I'm going to leave it there and share some more in the next edition (including a powerful & deeply moving example of someone applying Kasia's teachings). Interested in your thoughts for now if you have any... P.S. Last week's newsletter here if you missed it: Growing Up: you can't be anything but you can be yourself Last week on Growing Up with Delia Burgess Enjoy! xx Delia Previous editions here. Forwarded this and want to subscribe? Click here. |
Hi! I'm Delia Burgess
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Hiiiiiii, I'm back! Okay this email is v intense but v powerful... So, remember when I sent you: Growing Up: how to be a good dom & dead birds about the book Unbound: a Woman's Guide to Power by Kasia Urbaniak. You know, the taoist nun / dominatrix lady? And this quote: "Many of us prefer to deny that power dynamics exist, outside of games played by greedy, dishonest manipulators. But, like gravity, just because you deny the existence of something doesn't mean it doesn't affect you." (the...
Guys hello!!!! I have missed you. It has been weeks since I have written and not a moment has gone past where I haven't thought of you. Just kidding. But honestly I have been meaning to write every week for about the last 6 weeks. How rude of me to last time say "hey I'm going to write a lot more frequently again", and then to ghost you. That's like f**kboy behaviour no? Anyway here we are. (fboy definition for my Dad to avoid being accused of swearing for the sake of it:F**kboy: A guy who...
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