Do you want to be more interesting AND attractive? That's exactly what will happen if you type your email address below.
Growing Up: the site of the deepest wound
Hey guys,
We're talking about emotions this week. Scary I know (or did everyone scared of emotions decide not to open this newsletter when they read the title?) Anyway, if you're still with us, strap in.
I recently emailed the author of a book that massively helped me (in a very practical sense) in the aftermath of a breakup. To my delight she replied and came on the podcast.
Her name is Susan Anderson and the book is 'The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Surviving Through and Recovering from the Five Stages That Accompany the Loss of Love.'
Susan is like the godmother of abandonment. The book is 22 years old and it's still the go-to book for heartbreak recovery (refer to Growing Up: are you headed for divorce? and the School of Life on heartbreak and how few tools we have to deal with it even though it's a very painful thing that happens to most of us at least once or twice in our lives.)
The book is sooooo empowering. I don't know that I've ever read something that explained exactly what I was experiencing so precisely, whilst also providing the tools to move through it. It tells you that the pain you're feeling is real, it's not just you that feels like you've been stabbed in the heart (many others report this), it's not just you that feels totally worthless and ashamed. It tells you that actually there's something you can do about it and that massive growth can come out of this horrible situation if you commit to doing the work: 'Yes, there is life after abandonment - full, rich intense life - but you will have to work to get there. The guiding hand is there to help you get through the pain, learn from it, and experience a stronger connection to yourself. You will never be as conscious, as acutely alive, as you will once you have applied the principles in this programme to your daily life.'
(Side note, she also explains why it can feel SOOO painful when, e.g. it my case you might have tried to end the relationship yourself / known it wasn't right OR how we can feel deep pain when someone we barely know rejects us (or maybe worse, ghosts us). You guessed it, it's not so much about the other person it's really about you (and probably your childhood): 'Abandonment is a cumulative wound - rejections past and present merge. It's a time to clean out the insecurities, feelings of worthlessness, and shame that have been festering since childhood.')
(I guess this can all equally apply to friendship breakups / losing someone to death (in particular suicide) and so on...)
Anyway this book was like a lifeline to me at the time. It's so empowering to be given work to do, to accept the call to take personal responsibility and start moving forward. I bought into Susan's promise that 'the site of the deepest wound is the site of the greatest healing' and I did the work like a good little student of heartbreak. 15 months (and another breakup) later, I can happily report that the outcome IS a much stronger relationship to myself and now I'm one of those annoying people who would say that yes while the last few years have been super fkn painful, I am genuinely grateful for all the suffering as now I am so much stronger and I think (?) I've finally broken the pattern, having gone through three painful breakups (clearly didn't catch on the first two times), as I'm perfectly happy on my own and excited for a future relationship as a positive addition to my life (rather than desperately needing someone else's love to make me feel whole). Ouch. Painful lesson to learn. What's that quote 'when you need to be with someone, you'll settle for anyone.' (or you'll settle for any type of behaviour...) ...and if that's you right now, you can also break the pattern when the time comes...
(P.S. If you want to know what the 'work' is, we talk about it a bit in the ep (see below) / otherwise def get the book or check out her website for lots of resources www.abandonment.net (or email me as if you can't tell I'll happily talk about this forever))
Anyway... I thought this bit at the end of her book was really sweet. There is so much shame around this stuff and this vision completely smashes through it:
Right behind the Grand Marshal Most Wounded carrying the baton are the people in the wheelchairs. They are the ones whose emotional histories have left them so profoundly impaired, they have difficulty forming primary relationships. Many of them live their lifetimes alone. Their wounds are hidden, but they have been awarded the purple heart of abandonment.
Behind the recently abandoned come throngs of people on foot, many of them on crutches or holding each other up. These are the abandonment survivors of childhood whose adult lives have been stricken with fear of abandonment. Many of them are tied to the wrong people, too afraid to let go of what little security they have. Others have known the emotional turmoil of constantly being in and out of relationships.
Many of the people on the sidelines are not sure why they are clapping and cheering for the marchers, but the spirit of the marchers moves them to tears. Some of them are almost ready to join the parade to celebrate their own woundedness. Others are more reluctant to get in touch, not willing to bring their pain out of silence. They have yet to discover that the site of the deepest wound is the site of the greatest healing.
A number of the people on the sidelines are torn. They are aware of their own pain, but they want to retain their option to abandon others. They are not yet ready to take a stand against abandonment, to denounce it as an unacceptable practice. Some of them might be able to change. Perhaps they will join the parade next year.
Standing back out of sight are the wounders themselves. Many of them have paused momentarily to observe the parade from a distance, wondering if maybe they are missing something - something the marchers seem to possess. Others may even have fleeting thoughts that there could be something seriously wrong within that allows them to inflict so much pain on others.
The hardcore abandoners avoid the parade altogether and go on about their business, oblivious to the pain they have inflicted on those who have loved them. Paradoxically, many of them were abandoned themselves, but the experience left them calloused, numb, and desensitised, rather than more compassionate.
At the finish line, the grand marshals and standard bearers intermingle long into the night. This is the opportunity for the most wounded to meet each other. Many permanent unions are born here. People discover each other's lovability and refuse to be put off by stigmas. They vow to heal each other through loving relationships. They possess the capacity for profound loyalty and devotion, determined never to abandon each other. It is the greatest gift of love to offer the other: freedom from fear.
The antidote to abandonment has been found: commitment to love.
This week on the Growing Up with Delia Burgess podcast
Ep. 58 - Susan Anderson: recovery from heartbreak and loss
Susan Anderson is a practicing psychotherapist, founder of the Abandonment Recovery Program and author of 'The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Surviving Through and Recovering from the Five Stages That Accompany the Loss of Love.'
Susan has over 30 years of clinical experience and research helping victims of abandonment trauma heal heartache, grief and shame and overcome patterns of self-sabotage.
Susan had her own adult abandonment experience when her beloved marital partner of almost 20 years suddenly left her for another woman.
Enjoy / definitely share with whoever needs this right now.
xx Delia
Listen to Growing Up with Delia Burgess on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts
Looking for previous editions? Find them here.
Forwarded this and want to subscribe? Click here.
Hi! I'm Delia Burgess
Do you want to be more interesting AND attractive? That's exactly what will happen if you type your email address below.
Guyssssss I am coming in hot. I've just seen a video from Glastonbury where a performer is getting everyone to cheer "death, death to the IDF". This is f*****ed. I thought we got to the point in liberal democracies where chanting death to a group of people wasn't cool? Whatever your views on the situation in Gaza. Imagine if after Putin's invasion of Ukraine people took to the streets of London and were chanting "death, death to the Russian soldiers"... less catchy but this would just be...
Guys hey,**There is an audio version of this newsletter! Listen here**Okay there's is a thing I'm dealing with this week. I felt called to share because OOOF emotions. Maybe you're interested, maybe you're not. Maybe you relate, maybe you think I'm an alien. Maybe you already thought that. Let's find out. (Or not, if you want to skip, there are some beautiful words from RuPaul below re inner child healing... I bought myself MasterClass for Christmas and just took "RuPaul Teaches...
Hiiiiiii, I'm back! Okay this email is v intense but v powerful... So, remember when I sent you: Growing Up: how to be a good dom & dead birds about the book Unbound: a Woman's Guide to Power by Kasia Urbaniak. You know, the taoist nun / dominatrix lady? And this quote: "Many of us prefer to deny that power dynamics exist, outside of games played by greedy, dishonest manipulators. But, like gravity, just because you deny the existence of something doesn't mean it doesn't affect you." (the...