"When people give advice, they're speaking to younger versions of themselves, not the person in front of them." - Dr. Nicole LePera

Hello mortals,

This first part of this letter is for the people who I worry are going to die before they realise that life can only exist (and thus must be appreciated) in the present.

As per the quote above, even though I feel this is something I must URGENTLY remind certain people in my life of, clearly this is a lesson I am trying to learn myself.
​
Also funny, Sam Harris jokingly comments elsewhere in the podcast episode I'm about to quote from:
​
​“To a first approximation, wisdom is the capacity to take your own advice. You effortlessly give that advice to others. If you could just give it and successfully receive it yourself, you’re basically Socrates.”​
​
And it's all connecting... as per what I'll get into below, re the episode I released this week on codependency, potentially this whole bit is a CODEPENDENT CONTROL PATTERN i.e. common codependent control patterns, people may 'attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel' and 'freely offer advice and direction without being asked'.

Me right now. Attempting to convince you all to appreciate life in this moment i.e. TODAY because it is more certain that you will die one day than it is that you will wake up tomorrow (another Sam Harris gem, and yes quick maths probability of dying is 100%, therefore death is more certain than anything with a probability less than 1.) Basically friendly reminder that you will die one day.

(A psychologist told me that around my age it's very normal to start thinking that life is over and death is imminent and it's all a rush to make everything happen right now as it will all be over very soon. Not sure if this is just for women or men as well. Anyway, Barbie was also thinking about death so at least I'm not the only one... for anyone who hasn't seen Barbie, it's about to hit $1bn at box office so presumably you've at least heard of it?)
​
Okay anyway here is the Sam Harris (American neuroscientist, philosopher) wisdom I wanted to share from a recent episode he did with Chris Williamson (hopefully it translates into written text okay):

This week on Growing Up with Delia Burgess
​Ep. 63 - Danielle Hatton: codependency & calling off a wedding

Danielle is a Breathwork Teacher and Women’s Codependency Coach. She supports women in gaining clarity in their life and discovering their deep desires through self-acceptance and approval. Her mission is to give women permission to be, do, and create whatever it is that they truly desire - to know that their uniqueness is their power and that their desire is their direction.

What is codependency you ask?

Danielle mentions attending Codependents Anonymous and doing the 12 steps (as in Alcoholics Anonymous) so I thought I would borrow some of their definitions to help explain for those who aren't familiar.

Below are some of the codependent patterns I witness most commonly (unfortunately in myself as well as others...but I'm slowly stamping them out!). Importantly though, if you recognise yourself in any of these and want to change to create healthier relationships (with everyone in your life, not just romantic), you of course can. YAY!

(There are loads more, these are just a few. And of course we are all just humans, labels can be harmful as well as helpful and these things are all probably a spectrum that we all fit somewhere on, and maybe even healthy in the right doses).

Denial Patterns

• perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others (hi, overgivers, i.e. women (especially) who think they have to look after everyone else and completely neglect themselves in the process)
• label others with their negative traits (classic... i.e. if you're reading these thinking this is definitely someone else I know. It's probably also you... just a little bit, maybe.)
• do not recognise the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted

Low Self-esteem Patterns

• judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough
• value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behaviour over their own
• seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than

Compliance Patterns

• put aside their own interests in order to do what others want
• are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others
• are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings (uhhh if anyone knows how one stops doing this please lmk)
• give up their truth to gain the approval of others

Control Patterns

• have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others
• use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance
• demand that their needs be met by others (used to be me. woops, sorry ex-boyfriends)

Avoidance Patterns

• judge harshly what others think, say, or do
• use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation
• allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships

Full list here if you're interested...

Danielle helps clients work through these patterns, particularly as it relates to dating. But as per the title we also talk about her journey, from Yorkshire to the US and back again. Essentially rebuilding her life from her childhood bedroom, having ended her engagement 2 months out from the wedding and moving back across the Atlantic.
​​
​That's it. Goodnight, Barbies! I'm definitely not thinking about death anymore.

​xx Delia

P.S. As always feel free to forward this email / INTRODUCE ME TO COOL PEOPLE TO TALK TO ON THE PODCAST, etc.
​
​Listen to Growing Up with Delia Burgess on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts

Looking for previous editions? Find them here.​

Forwarded this and want to subscribe? Click here.​

​Instagram | Twitter | Linkedin​