Hey guys,

This week I revisited Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships.

I genuinely believe we would solve 90% of the world's problems if 50% of people read that book or were trained in using nonviolent communication techniques (NVC). More on that another time but truly, if you are dealing with problems in your relationships, (for example with your child, your partner, your employees, your flatmate, your boss, your foreign adversary that you're trying to negotiate a peace deal with) I implore you to give this a shot. If you wish to continue struggling in your relationships (why can't that person just listen to me / do what I say / change their behaviour / stop firing rockets at me), but think that the same tactics you've tried over and over will eventually somehow work, then please ignore me.

So the book is mostly about how to get our needs meet, and resolve conflict by working out what someone else's needs are (presumably behind their behaviour which is making your life difficult). The formula for getting our own needs met is:

1. Observation: What exactly happened (without accusation or blame)
2. Feelings: What you feel about it ("I feel sad". Not "YOU make me sad")
3. Needs: What is important to you ("I have a need for order in the living spaces we share" e.g. a mum who notices her son leaving his dirty socks around the house)
4. Requests: What you might ask someone or yourself to satisfy this need (importantly, not a demand. The person is free to say no without fear of punishment)

There's a bit more to this because it's really an art of using language in a way that doesn't make the person become defensive or shut down etc. It also involves empathy which is difficult when the other person is making life so miserable for you, imagining empathising with them is impossible (he explains how to do this of course). So again encouragement to read the book. Here is something quick I can share with you though: how to give compliments to create a stronger connection with the people you wish to express appreciation to.

Expressing Appreciation in Nonviolent Communication
​The Intention Behind the Appreciation

“You did a good job on that report.”
“You are a very sensitive person.”
“It was kind of you to offer me a ride home last evening.”
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​Such statements are typically uttered as expressions of appreciation in life-alienating communication. Perhaps you are surprised that I regard praise and compliments to be life-alienating. Notice, however, that appreciation expressed in this form reveals little of what’s going on in the speaker; it establishes the speaker as someone who sits in judgment. I define judgments — both positive and negative— as life-alienating communication.
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When we use NVC to express appreciation, it is purely to celebrate, not to get something in return. Our sole intention is to celebrate the way our lives have been enriched by others.
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The Three Components of Appreciation NVC clearly distinguishes three components in the expression of appreciation:
1. the actions that have contributed to our well-being
2. the particular needs of ours that have been fulfilled
3. the pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfillment of those needs
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The sequence of these ingredients may vary; sometimes all three can be conveyed by a smile or a simple “Thank you.” However, if we want to ensure that our appreciation has been fully received, it is valuable to develop the eloquence to express all three components verbally. The following dialogue illustrates how praise may be transformed into an appreciation that embraces all three components.
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​Participant: (approaching me after a workshop) Marshall, you’re brilliant!
MBR: I’m not able to get as much out of your appreciation as I would like.
Participant: Why, what do you mean?
MBR: In my lifetime I’ve been called a multitude of names, yet I can’t recall seriously learning anything by being told what I am. I’d like to learn from your appreciation and enjoy it, but I would need more information.
Participant: Like what?
MBR: First, I’d like to know what I said or did that made life more wonderful for you.
Participant: Well, you’re so intelligent.
MBR: I’m afraid you’ve just given me another judgment that still leaves me wondering what I did that made life more wonderful for you.
Participant: (thinks for a while, then points to notes she had taken during the workshop) Look at these two places. It was these two things you said.
MBR: Ah, so it’s my saying those two things that you appreciate.
Participant: Yes.
MBR: Next, I’d like to know how you feel in conjunction to my having said those two things.
Participant: Hopeful and relieved.
MBR: And now I’d like to know what needs of yours were fulfilled by my saying those two things.
Participant: I have this eighteen-year-old son whom I haven’t been able to communicate with. I’d been desperately searching for some direction that might help me to relate with him in a more loving manner, and those two things you said provide the direction I was looking for.
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​Hearing all three pieces of information—what I did, how she felt, and what needs of hers were fulfilled—I could then celebrate the appreciation with her. Had she initially expressed her appreciation in NVC, it might have sounded like this: “Marshall, when you said these two things (showing me her notes), I felt very hopeful and relieved, because I’ve been searching for a way to make a connection with my son, and these gave me the direction I was looking for."

I am so sad Marshall Rosenberg is no longer with us because I would have made it my #1 priority to meet him and to communicate using NVC how he has made my life much more wonderful.
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​This week on Growing Up with Delia Burgess​
Ep. 88 - Mike Simon: South London, professional dance, family court battles & somatic coaching
​​​​"A few weeks ago, I had the honour of sitting down with @delia_burgess on her Growing Up podcast. The episode is now out! We dived deep (for 2 hours) into my childhood, my experience with family court, living abroad, my dance career & somatic coaching. If you want to learn more about my journey - have a listen."
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​I love it when someone else writes about their experience on my podcast (saves me from having to try and do it and worry I'm somehow misrepresenting them). Here is something else Mike wrote:
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​12 months ago, I rejoined X (Twitter). I had one main intention: To build my somatic coaching business. I had zero clarity on the HOW, but I was willing to try. I had no offer or digital products, no clients, no digital homies, and no real understanding of how to write tweets, or how I would actually build. I wrote what felt right. At first, I felt out of place. I didn't feel like I fitted into the realm of growth gurus, copywriters & amazing storytellers. Because I'm none of the above. I'm a somatic coach & movement artist who found his way into the coaching field after following my curiosity. I wanted to be of service to others due to my own challenging life experiences. Having a breakdown, going to court to stop my son moving country and then finally going to therapy had a huge part to play in leading me towards the path that I took. Often our most painful moments are carving the way to our purpose. A few weeks ago, I got invited as a guest on @delia_burgess podcast. She read my story and was keen to hear more. Last night, we recorded 2+ hours about my journey, from childhood to coaching, and all that was in between.
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​"You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future." Steve Jobs ​
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Many dots connected for me during and after recording the podcast. It was a heartfelt one. For anyone who is on the path to create a fulfilling life, building on the internet, sharing content & creating. Don't give up. We all have a story to tell. When you feel safe enough to do so. Share it. Own it. It might not make sense now. It might not make sense in a year. But one day, those dots will connect in your mind, body & soul. And you'll realise, that all along, you’ve had something to give to the world, despite the challenging moments you might have experienced. It just takes time for the pieces to come together. I'm not where I want to be just yet, but I'm grateful for where I am now. And, you - yes all of my digital homies, thank you. You've made this journey so far an enjoyable, challenging, humbling ride on the self-discovery & development train. @delia_burgess thank you for the opportunity to share my story, the space held for me to do so and the initial contact to invite me on - it means a lot.

Also... after months of talking about it, I finally uploaded the first of 88 eps to YouTube! Yay. Plan is to upload each new ep at the same time I release on audio (Spotify etc.) and gradually upload the backlog as well.
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Best,
Delia
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​Listen to Growing Up with Delia Burgess on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts (also now on YouTube!! Yay)

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