Growing Up: how to change your life

There is an enormous difference between making a mental commitment to seek a major life change, and actually devoting the time and energy to achieving that goal.

Helllllllo!

False advertising again as this week I'm going to tell you about an essay called 'Choice' (not a non-fiction book) but to make up for it here's something vaguely book-related before we get into it:

In 1929, F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote to his friend Ernest Hemingway about being blocked on the novel that would become Tender is the Night. Hemingway gave him great advice. Words of timeless wisdom that Fitzgerald almost certainly didn’t want to hear.

“You just have to go on when it is worst and most helpless,” Hemingway told his friend, “there is only one thing to do with a novel and that is to go straight on through to the end of the damn thing.”

That's from the Daily Stoics newsletter. Do you ever wonder with things like that it could be completely made up? Were Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald even friends?

According to the first google result:

Though they originally were good friends, their interactions later turned less amicable. Hemingway, though impressed with Fitzgerald's writing, never seemed to respect the writer himself. He was wary of Fitzgerald's need for validation, his tumultuous relationship with Zelda, and his self-destructive drinking habits.

Interesting stuff. Again could be complete BS. Either way. We learnt two things: 1. KEEP GOING, especially when you are feeling helpless. I am with you, also feeling helpless a lot of the time but moving forward little by little by little. And 2. Ahhh the old seeking external validation, and those self destructive habits. They can make your friends wary. Actually this relates to the essay. Thank you universe / first google result for connecting these ideas...

Let's get into it.

This week I'm reading Choice by Steven J. Phillipson, Ph.D.

My brother reshared this essay with me when I was at a very low point a few months ago. Although it's written specifically for OCD (The subtitle is: In the treatment of OCD and in living a disciplined life, there is no word more important than “choice.” - Dr Phillipson is a licensed clinical psychologist who has specialised in the cognitive behavioural Treatment (CBT) of OCD since 1986), what I'm going to share is mostly applicable to all of us.

I've started to notice a theme on the podcast. A few guests now have talked about a specific point in time where they made a choice to change their lives. (Not that it's easy.) On the contrary, what I regularly hear from others (myself included, but hopefully less and less so going forward) is that they speak about their situations as if everything is out of their control. The failure to acknowledge that we have the ability to make a choice in any given situation is a big part of what keeps us trapped. Remembering Viktor Frankl's lesson that even in a concentration camp we have the ability to choose: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

The essay begins:
This writing is a call to arms! Its purpose is to inspire readers to establish a more honest relationship between the goals they have in life and the choices that are required to achieve them.

If that doesn't make you want to read on, I don't know what will.

It's a long essay, 25,000 words. (How long is a book? Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning is about 49,000 words. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is 257,045 words.)

Here are a few key ideas:

Agency, awareness and autonomy in our lives:

Agency can be defined as the faith we have in our capacity to respond effectively to challenges in our lives. Mindfulness is the non-judgmental, awareness of an experience in real time – that is, as that experience is unfolding – and an acknowledgement of our responsibility for the choices we make and/or the beliefs or perspectives we endorse in relation to that experience. The willingness of patients to be accountable for the choices they make has a profound effect on both the recovery process and the achievement of their goals in life. And finally the term autonomy refers to the choices and actions of the “Gatekeeper” – the “I” or “me” – who, based upon his or her goals and values, makes the final decisions on matters of importance to the individual.

On trying to make other people responsible for your life:

All too often, patients are unaware of how certain basic misunderstandings interfere with the process of making a choice. For example, many patients seem to want to assign the responsibility for the choices they make to others – particularly their therapists. [DB: def been guilty of this...]

The question most often asked during the initial phase of therapy is, “Doc, do you think you can help me?” To this question, I always respond with some version of the following:

“It may come as a shock to you, but my job is not to help you, but to work with you. Therapy is a partnership in which you, the patient, decide whether this is a good time in your life to take on a great challenge. In therapy, your hands are on the steering wheel, and your foot is either on the accelerator or the brake. As your partner, I hold a map with directions and instructions, but where we go and how fast we get there is entirely up to you.”

Even patients who have made significant progress in therapy often will say something like, “Steve you have helped me immensely.” My response usually is, “You have made a tremendous investment in your own recovery, and I am privileged to have been a contributing partner in your dedication to success, but it was you who made the moment-to-moment choices necessary to achieve this wonderful goal.”

The caveman who's good with women:

The story goes that this caveman has developed great skill at winning the affections of cavewomen. He is known by the tribe as quite the cave-ladies’ man! On the other hand, his spear-throwing skills are woefully underdeveloped, and he is not considered much of an asset in hunting mammoth. Instead of looking with pride upon his reproductive skills and seeking out the most adept spear-throwing cavemen in the tribe to teach him how to throw spears more accurately, his brain generalizes about his “personhood” based upon his deficits and tells him that he is a “loser” because no self-respecting cave woman would want someone who was consistently unsuccessful as a hunter and would have trouble providing for his family.

Holding doors open, not being invited, and does he like me??

Sam tells his good friend, John what a good time he had at the party he attended the previous night, with its fun people and great music. John, who was not invited, feels left out and finds it difficult to express happiness about the enjoyable time Sam had. But he makes an effort to stay centred, and being mindful that he is enjoying Sam’s company right now despite his disappointment at not being invited to the party, he reminds himself that even though he was not a part of Sam’s enjoyable experience, he still can share in Sam’s celebration, and he can take pleasure in the close friendship that they share.

When you hold the door open for a perfect stranger, and the person doesn’t even say “Thank you,” what are you to do? Should you give in to the temptation to say, “You’re welcome!” in a sarcastic and disgruntled tone? Is it your duty to inform this stranger that that he was supposed to have gratefully acknowledged this random act of kindness? Your brain may send you a message that this person needs to be taught a lesson, and you may find yourself inclined to act in accordance with this impulse to retaliate. The centred response, however, is to look to your own values, which may guide you to take the emotional high ground and remain silent, with the understanding that you have followed your agenda and upheld your values by this small act of kindness.

Remaining centred also can be very helpful with the sense of vulnerability that often is experienced in the early stages of a romantic relationship. Every moment you are apart from your love interest, you desperately want to be reassured that your partner still is attracted to you and remains invested in the relationship. Being centred means maintaining the emotional discipline to remind yourself that the only information that is relevant in this situation is that you still are excited to see your partner again and that you do not need to be reassured about your partner’s reciprocal interest.

On "not having time"

A lack of agency occurs when people decide that they lack the ability or potential to achieve a goal. This often happens when they endorse their brain’s negative programming that is based upon their personal history. A common response reflecting a lack of agency is when patients say to me that they did not accomplish a task because they “couldn’t find the time.” I usually respond to this by saying, “I think you’ll find some time hiding under the cushions of the living room couch.” Time is not found! It is allocated by one’s own choices.

It can be unpleasant to take full responsibility for the way we choose to allocate our time. We often regard life’s processes as a series of obligations, “musts,” and responsibilities. In other words, we tend not to “own” our own time. A lack of agency is demonstrated when you say, “I can’t do this,” instead of, “I’m choosing to not endure the discomfort.” When you use the word “can’t,” you are taking the possibility of making an autonomous choice out of the picture, and you miss the opportunity to honestly assess your resources or resilience in relation to the challenge you are considering.

A few important lessons:

When we allow our emotions to determine the choices we make, we tend to yield to our negative emotions and avoid challenges, rather than making disciplined choices reflecting our autonomous values and beliefs.
...

Don’t be upset for feeling depressed. A depressed mood often is the product of an automatic system, and should be managed by making mood independent choices. “I felt lousy, but I still went to the gym and did not cancel the party I had planned for that evening.”
...
In life, it is much more important to prioritise acting with strength over feeling strong.
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There is an enormous difference between making a mental commitment to seek a major life change, and actually devoting the time and energy to achieving that goal.
...
I encourage patients to find meaning in a life process in which they are prepared to meet the challenges that life presents and make the best even of harsh circumstances that they had no part in creating.

Dr. Phillipson's final note:

I predict that the vast majority of people who read this lengthy essay will believe upon completing it that they have accomplished something material and significant in terms of making changes in their lives. In feeling this way, they may be fooled by their brains into believing that just reading and understanding the words will, in itself, bring about significant changes in their lives, and unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth. Understanding and even being inspired by the words of this or any other article is only the first step in the process of making the kinds of changes I discuss. The much more difficult (and essential) step is actually to make the choices and take the actions that bring these words to life. So, don’t be satisfied with having gained some insight about OCD or about living a more purposeful and meaningful life. It is for this reason that I hate “self-help” books. The majority of people who read them think that the desired change comes as a result of having completed the reading, yet they are unaware of what it means to actually make a disciplined choice. Go out and do the work that is required to turn insight and understanding into real behavioural change. That is what this article is really about – turning understanding and inspiration into intention, and intention into action. And that is what choice really means.

Read the full essay here: https://www.ocdonline.com/choice

This week on the Growing Up podcast:

Ep. 23 - Varad Mukhedkar: TikTok, controversial views and losing his best friend to suicide
"The whole meaning of Man Up all changed for me in March of 2021 when one of my best mate’s, Michael, took his own life a couple of weeks into uni. Everything changed. My perspective, my values, my passions. So without parting ways with my initial drive, working in males mental health and suicide prevention became the number one aim for me. An aim that was to do as much as I can to make sure we don’t lose more people like Mike."

Ep. 22 - Chris Snowdon: opium dens, paternalism and a free society
Christopher Snowdon is the head of lifestyle economics at the Institute of Economic Affairs. His research focuses on social freedoms, prohibition and policy-based evidence. He is a regular columnist for EA magazine and an occasional contributor to Spiked, The Critic and the Telegraph. He often appears on TV and radio discussing social and economic issues.

Thanks for reading xx feel free to forward this onto anyone who has temporarily forgotten they have the ability to choose (e.g. potentially me in a few days from now...).

Delia

deliaburgess.blog
Listen to Growing Up with Delia Burgess on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts

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Hi! I'm Delia Burgess

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