Hey guys,

I’m so excited to write about IFS (finally) having mentioned it here multiple times without properly explaining what it is.

I think I first mentioned it last October in Growing Up: your place isn't inside someone else when I wrote:

I was so excited to tell you guys about the Internal Family Systems Model (IFS), also known as the psychology thingo I bring up in conversation a least 12 times a day.

It has the least sexy name ever so you're maybe not that intrigued about it so that's why I have to say it has the potential to CHANGE THE WAY YOU SEE YOURSELF AND OTHER PEOPLE (incl Putin). FOREVER.

...and I then proceeded to never tell you about it.

UNTIL NOW.

But anyway yeah, it's genuinely the most exciting thing I’ve learnt about in the last couple of years (or ever??? although trigonometry was pretty exciting). Probably because it is relevant to everyone and can be applied to anyone’s life to make it better, in turn making the world better (like actually. transformationally (don't think that's a word) and objectively better. when we are at peace with ourselves we cause less harm to others etc. Read the below and tell me you disagree)

The reason it’s taken me so long to write about it is genuinely because I get so excited about it it’s hard for me to direct that energy into written language. But today I will try, using the book:
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​No Bad Parts, by Richard C. Schwartz, PhD (the guy who developed the IFS model)

(The podcast episode I'm sharing this week is also about IFS! Yay!)

Okay let's get into it. What is this weird acronym you keep mentioning and not explaining? And then I'll share with you an example because it should make it make way more sense (it's long but very easy to read. and if it doesn't create an emotional response in you then... maybe I am wrong about the world. Let's see.)

Actually, here is a quick explanation from the IFS Institute website and then I'll share the case study:

Okay that doesn't really do it justice. Maybe the issue is IFS is so transformative it's hard to put it words and has to be experienced? Therefore maybe best to get into the example.

Last note before we do, IFS builds on centuries (millennia?) of psychological / philosophical work, these concepts pop up in many different schools of thought and religious traditions. Most of us have heard of 'the ego', 'the inner child', 'the inner critic' etc. and of course we are all aware that we sometimes act from a part of us that seems unlike ourselves, whether it be rage, a childish playful part etc. Indeed we even use the language 'part of me wants to do this, while another part doesn't.' So the whole model may seem pretty obvious / nothing that new. What is powerful is when you take the time to work with the parts. To understand them, listen to them and ultimately unburden them so your whole system works more harmoniously together.

You can do the work on your own, i.e. beginning with awareness and curiosity. "Wow, a part of me is really scared about going to this dinner. I wonder what that part needs." or "Interesting, a part of me takes over and lashes out at the people I love, over minor inconveniences. I wonder why that is." There are tonnes of resources, meditations, journalling prompts etc. that help you to 'get to know your parts.' And then of course you can work with someone who can guide you in healing your parts as the example below demonstrates, and as I do (which has been genuinely life changing. I can explain how another time.)

Over to Richard (Dick) Schwartz / the example:

I’ve included several transcripts of IFS sessions with clients in this book so you can get a better feel of how the work I’m describing plays out in real time. I teach every year at a beautiful retreat center near Big Sur, California, called Esalen. This past winter, Sam Stern (who was running their podcast at the time) asked me to do an interview with him, and he gamely agreed to let me demonstrate IFS on him. It was his first experience of IFS.

DICK: So what would you like to work on?

SAM: Well, you have this piece in your work about a trailhead, taking note of an area that might be juicy or interesting to work with. I got bullied when I was in eighth grade, and the way I experienced it was that it was bad. Yeah, I took it inside myself. It felt like it shut down some pieces of me.

D: Beautiful. So do you want to focus on the pain of that? Or the shame, or do you want to focus on the part that shut you down?

S: That one—the shut down one.

D: So go ahead and find that part of you that’s shut you down and see if you can find it in your body, around your body.

S: What am I looking for, Dick?

D: A numbing part maybe.... Here’s a way to do it. As you think about going to that thirteen-year-old boy in there, what comes up in terms of fear?

S: I don’t feel fear. I can see that boy and he’s soft or weak and I don’t feel connected to him.

D: How do you feel toward him as you see you there?

S: I don’t want to be with him.

D: Okay, so focus on that feeling like you don’t want to be with him and ask that part what it’s afraid would happen if it let you be with him.

S: Um, it looks to me like he’s scared he’s gonna get physically beat. Yeah, almost like maybe afraid of me.

D: Okay, but how are you feeling toward him?

S: I want him to toughen up. He should just lash out and defend himself.

D: Right. Tell that part we understand why he’d want that, but we’re going to ask him to give us the space to try and help this boy a different way and see if he’d be willing to step back and relax in there a little bit.

S: Do I actually say something to him?

D: You don’t have to say it out loud, just inside, and see if you can sense that part receding or relaxing.

S: Yes, that angry lashing out part would be willing to step back.

D: As it does, how you feel toward the boy now?

S; A bit closer. Like my brother.

D: Yeah, good. Okay, so let him know that you’re there to help and see how he reacts to that news.

S: Yeah! He feels good. Almost like he’s more filled with life, and he’s kind of peppy and cool.

D: That’s great. Yeah. Okay, so ask him what he wants you to know about himself and just wait for the answer to come.

S: I'm getting that he wants to be on the baseball team. Now it’s like we’re friends. Yeah, he’s opening up, and it’s like we could have a really fun time if he slept over.

D: That’s nice. Okay, Sam, then go ahead and ask him to really let you get a sense of what happened to him to make him feel bullied. Just wait for whatever he wants to give you in the way of emotion, sensations, or images.

S: He’s saying that he was surprised. He was betrayed. He thought it was all cool between him and the guy, you know like they were on the same side, and then all of a sudden, he’s calling to say he’s going to beat the shit out of him.

D: Okay. Does that make sense to you, Sam, that that would feel terrible?

S: Sure.

D: Yeah. So let him know that you get that. And whatever else he wants to give you and what it was like for him.

S: I've done so much thinking about this that I’m having trouble separating out my assumptions around it from my memories of it.

D: Yeah. So we’re going to ask the thinking part, the narrating part, to give us some space, too, just like we did the others, and see if that’s possible. See if that thinking part would step out too.

S: Okay, it did.

D: Then go ahead and ask the thirteen-year-old again to really let you know what happened and how bad it was.

S: Just the rejection. I feel like I was there, and then I pulled back from it.

D: Yeah. So find the part that pulled you back.

S: He’s afraid I’ Il feel too much. It’ll be embarrassing. I’ll judge myself.
Is he afraid of that original tough guy? He would beat you up for having cried? [Sam agrees] So we don’t have to keep going if that’s too scary, but let’s ask that tough guy to go into a contained room in there for a while. Just tell him we’ll talk to him afterward and let him out.

S: He gets that.

D: Okay. So now see if the part who came in to pull you away can let us go back. I promise if they really let you go all the way with this, we can heal this bullied guy so he’s no longer stuck back there. He’ ll no longer feel bad and then they won’t have to worry about him. They just need to give us the space.

S: Well, the tough guy says he’ll stay in the room. Says he’s ready. He’s going to give us the space.

D: Okay. That’s great. See if you can get back to that boy.

S: I don’t feel like I’m with the boy.

D: So there’s another part in the way. Just ask whoever is blocking what they’re afraid would happen now if they let you be with him.

S: Not getting anything—getting more like an empty space.

D: All right. So let me talk to the part directly. Okay, so you there? Are you willing to talk to me?

S: Yes.

D: Okay, so you’re the part of Sam that’s blocking him from being with the boy now, is that right?

S: Yes.

D: And what are you afraid would happen if you let him go back to the boy and feel some of that?

S: Connecting to that weak boy would soften up the whole person.

D: And what would happen then if Sam was softer?

S: I'd have to change this whole person that I spent so much time constructing. I run a tight ship is what I’m trying to say. Everything works the way I do it.

D: I got it. All right, well, we don’t wanna screw everything up for you. On the other hand, I think some of why you have to keep the ship so tight, of how hard you have to work, is probably because this boy is in there and you’re trying to keep Sam away from him.

S: That’s true.

D: And what I’m offering is the possibility of not having to work so hard because the boy is going to be feeling good.

S: Okay, but if I wasn’t here, then how am I going to help Sam achieve, do everything?

D: I get that. So we won’t do it without your permission, but if you’re willing, I promise we can do what I just said, and you’Il be freed up to do something else.

S: Yeah, well, if it’ll ultimately be better for Sam, I’m into it.

D: All right, that’s great. So if you don’t mind going into the waiting room just till we’re done and let me talk to Sam again. Sam, see if you can get close to the boy now.

S: Yes, I feel close to him.

D: Good. Let him know you’re back and you’re sorry that you let these parts pull you away. And tell him you’re ready to know the rest of it. Everything he wants you to get about how bad it was.

S: Yeah. He feels really small. Younger than thirteen. Way younger. Yeah. Maybe like a two-year-old.

D: Okay. How do you feel toward the two-year-old?

S: Tender.

D: Nice. So let that part know, too, that you’re with him and you care about him. And just see what he wants you to know.

S: I'm feeling a lot of love right now. I feel like my heart is opening. And, yeah, I’m feeling love toward the thirteen-year-old too. Like a tenderness, like a father.

D: Yeah. So let them both know.

S: It feels good. It feels really, really sweet.

D: Yeah, we can just stay with this for a while if you want. But also be open if there’s something they want you to know.

S: I feel the thirteen-year-old me. I see him and he’s dressed in sort of the awkward clothes of a seventh- or eighth-grade boy. Feeling that he’s not pubescent or developed enough. His clothes don’t look right and he couldn’t defend himself right. That, like, his bones feel brittle. I don’t feel disgusted by him. I’m empathising now.

D: Let him know, and see if there’s more he wants you to get about all that.

S: He wants to be funny and popular and it hurt a lot. Being bullied smacked down that idea of being popular. Really shut him down. Yeah. And I’m thinking about how later when I developed, when I was nineteen and in college, and I figured out a way to be cool, how important that was to me.

D: Of course. Just tell him you’re getting all of this and see if there’s more he wants you to get.

S: Yeah. There’s no mean-spiritedness to him. He’s not angry. He’s more “just don’t hurt me,” but still kind of optimistic.

D: Good. But ask him if it does feel like you now get how much it did hurt. Or if there’s more of that he wants you to get.

S: Yeah, I’m accessing a more “dark night of the soul” type of feeling from him and the terror.

D: Let him know you’re good with that. You really want to feel it. As much as he wants you to. Does he feel like you really get how scared he was now?

S: He says he does.

D: Good. So, Sam, I want you to go into that time period and be with him in the way he needed somebody then and just tell me when you’re in there with him.

S: I’m there. I’m letting him know I’m a friend—a protector.

D: Great. How is he reacting?

S: He feels good. He has somebody on his team.

D: That’s right. Ask him if there’s anything he wants you to do for him back there.

S: He wants me to bring him into adulthood where you can have sex and do grown-up things. He’s always been interested in being in that realm.

D: Okay, we’re going to do that, but first, does he want you to do anything with the bully or anything else back there before we take him out?

S: No. He doesn’t seem vindictive. It doesn’t seem like he wants anybody beat up.

D: All right. So let’s take him wherever he wants to go. Could be the present, could be a fantasy place. Wherever he wants.

S: He wants to be at Burning Man.

D: Ah great! Okay. [Pause] How’s he like it there?

S: A little shy.

D: Let him know that you’re gonna help him learn the ropes there. And tell him he never has to go back to that bullying time again. [Sam cries hard with relief] Yeah. There’s all the relief, right? That’s great. Yeah. He never has to go back there. That’s really great, Sam.

S: Amazing, man. It’s like tears of joy.

D: That’s really great. And he never has to go back, and you’re gonna be taking care of him now.

S: It’s so great. It’s like what he’s always wanted.

D: There you go. And ask now if he’s ready to unload the feelings and beliefs he got back there that he’s been carrying all this time. Ask where he carries all that in his body or around his body, throughout his body.

S: Around his head. Around his head, around his hips and heart.

D: Okay. Ask what he wants to give it all up to: light, water, fire, wind, earth, or anything else.

S: Light.

D: Alright, Sam, so bring some light in and have it shine on him. And tell him to let all of that go out of his body, off his body. Just let the light take it away, no need to carry that anymore. Have him check his body, make sure he gets all of it out. Yeah. Just let it go into the light. That’s right. Tell him now to invite qualities into his body that he wants and just see what comes into him now.

S: Like a pride and kindness to others. Just like a good superhero type of feel.

D: Great. So how does he seem now?

S: Like my younger friend. But safe, you know, and strong.

D: That’s right. So let’s let all these guys out of the waiting room and have them all come in and see him now and see how they react. Let them know they don’t have to protect him or they don’t have to keep you away from him anymore, so they can start thinking about new roles.

S: I see curiosity and befuddlement on the tough guy’s face. He’s totally confused that he’s not me.

D: No, he’s not you. Make that clear to him. He was beating up that kid, which wasn’t good, so ...

S: Right!

D: He needs to think about a new role now. Ask him what he’d like to do if he really trusted he didn’t have to protect you like he used to.

S: Well, he’s saying he’s so good at everything. Can he just choose? He’s really, really high on himself. Really. He sees everything that’s good that I’ve done in my life, he’s taken credit for. Yeah.

D: He can think about a new role. He doesn’t have to decide right now. So how’s it feeling in there now?

S: It’s feeling spacious. It’s feeling interesting and different.

D: ‘Yeah. Okay. So does it feel complete for now?

S: It does, and I’m interested about how I can get in touch with this tough guy to let him know that although he is not in control of the show, he’s still important to me.

D: That’s exactly what you gotta tell him. You don’t have to work to get in touch with him—he’s around all the time. Just focus on him and talk to him about it. So. Come on back. It’s a beautiful piece of work, Sam.

S: Yeah. Thank you. I was not expecting that.

This week on Growing Up with Delia Burgess
​Ep. 60 - Julia Scott: a therapist on personal transformation and healing your wounded parts
​Julia Scott's mission is to help individuals live beyond their current narrative and embrace a fully expressed story aligned with their authentic purpose and potential. Julia has facilitated hundreds of individuals, couples and groups through her transformative work⁠; guiding them inward to witness, release and transform their limiting beliefs, sabotaging patterns, stuck emotions and wounded 'parts' blocking them from living, feeling and manifesting what they want and deserve.
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Julia incorporates Internal Family Systems (IFS) as well as various psychological and somatic therapeutic models into her work.
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Her varied training and formal education includes: BSc. (Hons) Psychology with Neuroscience — University of Sussex. MA Anthropology of Food and Health — University of London SOAS. Transpersonal Psychotherapist — CCPE, London (5-year diploma/ MA: in progress) Somatic Internal Family Systems Therapy — Embody Lab. 200 Hour Ashtanga & Meditation Teacher — Varkala, India Certified Peer Mental Health Counselor — RI International ​
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xx Delia

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