Growing Up: befriend your chimp

Happy New Year team!

This week I'm reading: The Chimp Paradox: The Mind Management Programme for Confidence, Success and Happiness by Prof Steve Peters

and wow. What a book. Game changer for me. My chimp has been totally running the show for the past however long. Also I've been living with a severe case of Snow White Mindset. But thanks to this book I'm learning how to behave like a real life human adult! Exciting stuff.

...

Struggling to get out of bed in the morning = chimp. (My confession from Copenhagen)
Swearing at someone for cutting you off = chimp.
Not taking accountability for your own happiness / feeling helpless, like life is always hard and others don't understand = Snow White Mindset
Meeting challenges with hostility, seeing compassion as weakness, ignoring people seen as low value = Alpha Wolf Mindset

...

Backing up. Who's this guy Steve Peters and why should I pay attention to what sounds like another potentially BS self help book?

Dr Steve Peters is a consultant psychiatrist and has worked in the clinical field of psychiatry for over 20 years. He holds degrees in mathematics and medicine, a Masters in medical education and postgraduate qualifications in sports medicine, education and psychiatry.

Right so, clever guy. What else?

Here's something for the cyclists in this readership...

In addition, Dr Peters works in elite sport and has been the resident psychiatrist with the British Cycling team since 2001 and now the Sky ProCycling Team. His mind management techniques have been credited with helping to transform the performance of Britain’s elite cyclists, and contributing to bringing home 14 medals from the Beijing Olympics, eight of which were golds.

Sir Chris Hoy, Bradley Wiggins and Victoria Pendleton have all spoken publically about how Dr Peters’ unique Chimp Model has helped them improve their performance.

Cool, you have my attention.

I'm going to share an extract but really if it sounds interesting, read the book because it's written in basic language with lots of stick figure diagrams to help drill in the message. He uses a massively simplified model of how our minds work to help you better understand yourself (and other humans... like you know that really difficult person you work with / live next door to who drives you insane?) and honestly having read / listened to tonnes of this self help type stuff and having tried lots of different types of therapy, this is by far one of the most useful models I've come across (along with IFS). And I'm only halfway through the book!

Hopefully this example gives you a good understanding of how the Chimp / Human struggle within our minds works:

Let’s look at a scenario involving an injustice, as this almost invariably would get most of our Chimps out.

John is a foreman at a road repair site and has two men allocated to the job. He meets with the men and explains clearly what they have to do and emphasises that they must let him know if there are any problems, as the work must be finished that day. He then has to leave to oversee another project. When he returns some hours later, the two men have failed to do the work, have been sitting waiting for him to return and have not phoned him. John is agitated by this but says he will speak to his boss to let him know of the problem. When John phones his boss, John is horrified to learn that the boss called by and had already seen the two men and spoken with them. They told him that John had not left instructions or a contact number and they were therefore innocent and John was to blame. John’s boss refuses to listen to John and fires him. John learns later that one of the two workmen happens to be the nephew of his boss.

If we now consider the reaction of both John and his Chimp to this situation we can work through how best to deal with this scenario. Clearly, John has fallen victim to an injustice. His Chimp will correctly interpret this situation as such and we might expect it to react with both anger and distress. This would be a reasonable response from the Chimp. John needs to first exercise the Chimp and get this injustice off his chest. He has tried to speak to his boss, who is not prepared to listen. He might decide to take this to arbitration and fight for his job and for compensation. The avenues open to him need exploring but not by his Chimp! He needs to get the emotion out by exercising his Chimp in a safe place. This might be with a friend or relative who can listen, understand and acknowledge the injustice. This will go some way to settling the Chimp. However, the Chimp may want revenge against the two men and also compensation. Compensation is again reasonable but might not happen. The Chimp needs boxing, so now it is the turn of the Human to think and plan.

John boxes the Chimp

The Human in John will need some facts and truths that will satisfy the Chimp in order to box it. The Human in John will acknowledge that, although it is uncomfortable, injustice happens and often doesn’t get put right. The fact is, it may be worth fighting your corner but there is a time when you need to recognise it is not going to work the way you want it to and you must cut your losses. It is a fact that life is not fair.

John needs to talk to his Chimp and agree that there will be a limit on how much energy and time he is going to put into trying to get justice. He will confront his Chimp with the uncomfortable truths of life. The rational plans John makes will help the Chimp to accept the situation and to let go at the right time.

If John does not come up with a solid, truthful answer based on fact then it is unlikely that the Chimp will settle. For example, if the Chimp wants revenge on the two men then John cannot say to the Chimp, ‘Just get over it, lots of people suffer like this.’ This answer is not very helpful as it is based partly on the truth and partly on a command or wish from John to his Chimp: ‘just get over it’. A better and logical answer might be, ‘There has been an injustice but this particular injustice may never be resolved and we need to set a limit on the efforts to resolve it.’ He can add other truths, such as, ‘It is not the end of the world if justice does not get served;’ ‘I am an adult and I can deal with this problem;’ ‘I do not have to remain upset if I choose not to be;’ ‘This event will soon be history and I will move on.’

Clearly, John needs to find answers that will satisfy his Chimp and none of these answers might be powerful enough. What is definite is that to move on and box the Chimp he must find answers. Otherwise he will act on his Chimp feelings and find he gets nowhere and cause himself even further distress.

Sometimes you can’t win. The importance here is to recognise this fact and to accept it. Then you can remind the Chimp about this. Remember that the Chimp is making an OFFER. You the Human have the CHOICE. You can either go with your emotions or you can refuse them and let the Chimp know that you want it to offer some more helpful emotions. It is not easy but at the end of the day there are many times when things in life will not go your way. Boxing the Chimp is therefore telling it truths that it will accept in order to calm it down.

(My beautiful chimpy does not appreciate the idea of being boxed so I like to think of it more as returning her to her part of the jungle? Or something like that...)

There's so much good stuff in this book!! But maybe I'll save it for another time, because I need to tell you what's on the pod this week, and truth be told I'm excited to go and finish reading the book... in the sun. That's right I'm back in aus for a visit, writing to you from down on the Great Ocean Road. Hi!

This week on the Growing Up with Delia Burgess podcast:
Ep. 30 - Andy Rose: starting a business on the dole in a foreign country, being cheated on & a near career ending ski injury
Andy Rose is back for round 2! (find part 1 on Ep. 16: Andy Rose: from pushing shopping trolleys to buying a Porsche, & losing it to pursue his true passion at 43)
Andy is the owner of Snow Camps Europe and a ski instructor at Ski School Oberschneider in Kaprun, Austria.
He is also the co-owner at Jausestation Bad Fusch Grill & Craft in Bad Fusch, Austria.

Ep. 31 - Izzy Sandak: sugar daddies, insta nudes & swedish huskies
Isabella Sandak-Lewin: biomedical engineer, pole dancer, and ray of sunshine.
Izzy is back! Listen to Part 1 at Ep. 4 - Izzy Sandak on anorexia and losing her best friend to Covid.

By the way, if you've been listening to the podcast, it would mean a lot to me if you don't mind giving it a review :). At the moment the rating on Spotify isn't yet showing up as there needs to be a minimum number of reviews first. I believe the rating then helps more people find the podcast so it's not just a vanity thing from me (but it is also a bit of a vanity thing... my Uber rating isn't great so I need to make up for it elsewhere...).

Wishing you all a harmonious relationship with your inner chimps!

xx Delia

P.S. Since a few people have asked... you can reply to this email (it's not a no-reply). I love hearing from you guys. It makes me feel like I'm not just shouting into the ether :)
P.P.S. Another favour to ask... I know, who do I think I am? If this email is going to your "promotions" folder on gmail, would you mind please dragging it back into your inbox? That way you're less likely to miss the riveting stuff I write here.
P.P.P.S. Third favour, why not. Feel free to forward this on to any Snow Whites in your life

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Hi! I'm Delia Burgess

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